The Garrett Wars were a series of food-slinging conflicts between the total piece of crap, Gert Millar, and a whole lot of other people, including several Barta Gretek notables in 2004.

The Garrett Wars
Date 2004 - 2005
Location Del Campo High School
Result Allied victory
Casus belli Sandwich
Gert withdraws from Del Campo
Hill Alliance

The Flesh of Bulls


The Penis He Thought Was His Own

  Supported by:

DJ Does a Good Job



Callin' Chess Brother

Mat Mattsuda


Gert Millar
  Supported by:

Psycho Bitch


Unknown Fat Kid

The Flesh of Bulls Gert Millar
Two t-shirts

One backpack

One day of suspension (Tarvis)

One t-shirt (executed)

One sweatshirt

One pair of pants

One day of suspension (Gert)


The first food related conflict happened a few months before the Garrett Wars. A fat bully named Anus was picking on Josh Strap-on and his girlfriend, Ginny Alan. At one point, Anus pushed Josh off of the bench and made him cry. Tarvis, who had witnessed all of this, called Anus an asshole. Anus became upset and pushed Tarvis, who was drinking a Capri Sun. Tarvis retalliated by crushing the Capri Sun in his hand, forcing a stream of juice to hit Anus right in the chest. Anus tried to chase Tarvis, but was too slow, and Tarvis escaped unharmed.


Hostilities beginEdit

A series of disagreements between The Flesh of Bulls and Gert had started to damage their friendship. Flesh had figured out Gert's MySpace password, and used that to leave some funny comments to people. Gert was offended, and enlisted the help of some hax0rz to find out Flesh's MySpace password. Next, he left offensive, though not believable comments to many people. While arguing on AIM one day, Gert bragged about how cool he was and how he could have RUINED Flesh's life if he wanted to. This display of pride, slightly edited to make it sound like Gert was insulting Sharker, was printed out and handed to Sharker. Gert tried his best to explain the situation by freaking out and making shit up. "It was this kid Tarvis!!" he shouted, but it was futile. Sharker slapped Gert in the face, and Gert scurried away. If he had just calmly explained what happened, he probably wouldn't have gotten slapped.

Gert and Tarvis had never gotten along since the Dillon's Domain conflict, but generally acted neutral towards each other. The impoverished Gert would constantly ask Tarvis for food, and once in a while he would hand some out to the pathetic bastard. During one lunch period, Tarvis told Gert that he would give him a twinkie, under one condition: he had to throw it at The Penis He Thought Was His Own. For some reason, Gert accepted, even though this ensured that the twinkie was no longer edible. Gert hurled it at The Penis' chest, and it exploded, creating a huge, white smear on his shirt. Gert ran away laughing, and The Penis spit on the backpack that Gert left behind. When Gert was informed of this, he replied, "well at least it's not as bad as a twinkie!"

Gert's First VictoryEdit

The obnoxious Gert was undeterred by the fact that nobody wanted him around. The day of the Battle of the Beans began like any other day. Gert had pissed everyone off, and people were throwing bark at him, hoping that he would just go away. An offended Gert decided to target his former best friend, The Flesh of Bulls. Though the sequence of events remains hazy, Flesh was left with a shirt covered in beans and barbecue sauce. Gert declared himself victorious, and Flesh was forced to find some clean clothes to wear.

Gert's Last VictoryEdit

The Battle of the Beans gave Gert a huge confidence boost. For a long time, Gert had coveted the food that Tarvis would bring to school each day. One day, Gert decided to take it from him. Gert walked up and grasped the brown paper bag, but Tarvis wouldn't let go. Tarvis happened to be holding a Capri Sun again, and squirted Gert in an attempt to force him to flee the Redwood Deck. Gert departed, but eventually came back with Psycho Bitch. "This kid?" asked Psycho Bitch. Gert excitedly nodded his head, and Psycho Bitch flung a spoonful of cream pie at Tarvis' pants. Tarvis ran up and squirted Gert with the Capri Sun once more, and Psycho Bitch threw the entire pie at him. Tarvis' first reaction was to squirt Psycho Bitch's hair with the remainder of the Capri Sun, which resulted in a chorus of "OHHHHHHHHHH!" from the weasels around them. Psycho Bitch leapt onto Tarvis and began pulling his hair and scratching him. A large negro named Geodude pulled Psycho Bitch away from Tarvis, but the weasels continued to jeer and throw plastic bottles in Tarvis' general direction. Tarvis remained sticky for the rest of the day.

Turning PointEdit

A while after the unwarranted attack on Tarvis, the Allies developed a plan for the next major conflict: pube soup. A styrofoam cup full of soup was the base of the toxic concoction. Cheetos, the spit of several people, lotion (courtesy of DJ Does a Good Job), and pubic hair (from The Penis and Tarvis) were some of more memorable ingredients. Unfortunately, Gert noticed before the elixir could be completed. "Soup?!" he asked. "You're going to throw soup at me?" Gert and Flesh ran towards the bench where the nearly-completed soup rested, and they both appeared to reach the bench at the same time. However, Gert's soaked pants made it evident that Flesh was the winner. Gert grabbed Flesh's backpack and attempted to throw it on the roof, and failed. At the same time, Mat Mattsuda took Gert's backpack and shoved it in a nearby trashcan. Gert had finally tasted defeat, but the Allies decided to push forward to make sure that Gert couldn't launch another offensive. Everybody made sure to throw things at Gert whenever he came by, which was less and less often.

The DuelEdit

Gert grew tired of the harassment, and challenged Flesh to a fight. It was to take place after school at BriBear's house. The fight began in the front yard, where the two attempted to wrestle by hugging each other for a while. Gert tried running from Flesh, but Flesh grabbed his foot, causing Gert to fall on his face. Before Flesh could attack, some Japanese lady pulled up and started yelling at them about heaven or something. They went into the back yard, and continued to fight some more. Eventually, Gert grabbed a lawn chair and hit Flesh in the spine. While Flesh was stunned, Gert ran into the house and locked the door. Flesh tried to open the front door, but Gert locked that door as well. BriBear unlocked the doors, but Gert re-locked them. Although they were BriBear's doors, he was too much of a bitch to tell Gert to stop locking them, so Flesh decided to go home. Anus pulled up beside Flesh on his bicycle, and the two began to discuss their common enemy..

Beginning of the EndEdit

Gert returned to The Hill with a new haircut. Mat Mattsuda assaulted Gert, who still wanted to hang out at The Hill for some reason. During the first assault, Gert had knocked over and stepped on Collin Chess Brother's lunch, which consisted of a banana. This led to a second assault, in which Collin pushed Gert on his back. Tarvis tossed the flattened banana onto Gert, who stood up and tried to chase Tarvis. Luckily, he was too much of a fat fuck to catch him, so he gave up. After lunch was over, Gert saw Tarvis walking away and threw the banana as hard as he could at Tarvis. Tarvis' backpack shielded him from any banana goo. Tarvis picked up the banana by what was left of the peel, and ran after Gert. Gert was too slow, and tried to deter Tarvis by threatening violence. As soon as Tarvis got close to him, he curled up and tried to shield himself from the imminent banana mess. Tarvis hesitated, and Gert looked over to see why the banana hadn't been thrown. As soon as he did this, he left a large portion of his side open, and Tarvis exploded the banana all over Gert's beloved sweatshirt. Gert tried to chase Tarvis once more, but gave up.

End of the EndEdit

Tarvis knew Gert was pissed about his latest defeat, so he wore a windbreaker to school the next day to protect him from whatever food item Gert was going to throw at him. Just like he was expected to, Gert walked up to the Hill. Accompanied by some random fat kid, Gert was holding some of that cream pie shit that Psycho Bitch used. He simply threw it at Tarvis and ran away to go hide in a crowd of people. Tarvis removed his jacket, and decided not to pursue Gert, since Gert had only caused minimal damage. Anus, however, had other plans. He eventually convinced Tarvis that he needed to "get" Gert, once and for all. With a bottle of soda in one hand, and his trusty Capri Sun in the other, Tarvis and a small entourage ventured into the crowd of people where Gert was hiding. When he was located, Gert repeatedly said, "dude, DON'T!" Tarvis splashed the soda on Gert and escaped from the crowd, only to be seen by an angry vice principal.

Gert and Tarvis told their stories to the vice principal, and were each suspended from school for one day. Tarvis was remembered as a martyr for about a week, and Gert never returned to the Hill. The war was finally over.


  • Gert left Del Campo for good
  • Anus became a solid member of "the group"
  • The lack of a common enemy eventually led to the conflict between Flesh and BriBear